Navigating Divorce: What Not to Say to Your Kids and Your Former Spouse

Divorce is undoubtedly a challenging chapter in one’s life, and it becomes even more intricate when children are involved. As parents going through a divorce, the way you communicate with your children and your former spouse holds immense importance. There are certain things you should never say to your kids during this sensitive period, as words can leave lasting impacts on their emotional well-being and strain your relationship with your former spouse. Divorce affects everyone involved and damages their mental health. In this article, we’ll delve into key points you should avoid uttering to your children when going through a divorce, ensuring you navigate this difficult terrain with compassion and consideration for both your children and your former spouse. 

1. Money Matters Should Stay Between Adults

The decision to divorce often brings financial discussions into the spotlight. However, it’s crucial to keep these conversations away from your children and your former spouse. child support payments are something that should be dealt with proper responsibility. Uttering phrases like “It’s your dad’s/mom’s turn to pay for _____” places an unnecessary burden on your kids and can strain your co-parenting relationship. The financial aspect of divorce should be addressed directly with your ex-spouse, sparing your children and former spouse from becoming unintentional messengers or feeling responsible for financial arrangements. You should never discuss financial problems with your children. 

2. Keep Opinions About New Partners to Yourself

Entering into new relationships is part of life after divorce. It’s natural to have opinions about your ex-spouse’s new partner, but expressing negativity can have adverse effects on your children and your former spouse. Refrain from saying, “I don’t trust that guy/I don’t like her.” Allow your children to form their own opinions over time. If genuine concerns arise about parenting styles, address them directly with your ex-spouse without involving the children. 

3. Avoid Criticizing Parenting Styles

Differences in parenting styles are common after divorce. Saying, “I can’t believe your dad/mom lets you ____” in front of your children adds unnecessary tension. Instead, communicate with your ex-spouse privately to find common ground. The goal is to maintain consistency and a sense of normalcy for your children, even if parenting approaches differ between you and your former spouse.

4. Handle Flakiness with Grace

Some ex-spouses may exhibit inconsistent behavior, which can be challenging to cope with. Resist the urge to express frustration in front of your children by saying, “I can’t believe he/she bailed on you guys again.” Your kids are already dealing with emotional challenges, and adding more disappointment won’t help. Be a source of comfort and support rather than escalating the issue, both for your children and your former spouse.

5. Allow Natural Development of Parental Titles

Encouraging your children to call a new partner “dad” or “mom” is acceptable, but forcing or pressuring them can lead to resentment, both towards you and your former spouse. Instead of saying, “I want you to call my boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife ‘dad’ or ‘mom’,” let these titles evolve organically. Accept that the development of these relationships takes time and should be guided by the children’s comfort and acceptance from your former spouse.

6. Keep Child Support and Visitation Separate

Child support and visitation rights are distinct aspects of co-parenting. Refrain from saying, “Your dad/mom didn’t pay child support this month, so he/she doesn’t get to see you this month.” Using visitation as leverage based on financial matters only hurts your children and strains the relationship with your former spouse. Maintain consistency in visitation schedules and address financial concerns separately.

7. Every Celebration Counts

Holidays can be particularly challenging during and after a divorce. Avoid saying, “You’ll have Thanksgiving at your dad’s/mom’s on Wednesday, and then we’ll have real Thanksgiving with our family on Thursday.” To your children, every celebration with either parent is real and significant. Focus on creating positive holiday experiences, regardless of the arrangements with your ex-spouse.

8. Rise Above Personal Differences for Your Child’s Events

Coordinating attendance at your child’s special events can be difficult, especially if personal differences linger. Instead of saying, “If he’s/she’s going, I’m not going,” rise above the emotional challenges. Your child needs your support, and attending events together, even if you don’t interact extensively, sends a positive message of unity to your child and your former spouse.

9. Avoid Placing Blame for the Divorce

While it might be tempting to vent your frustrations in front of your children, avoid statements that place blame on your former spouse. Saying, “This is all your dad/mom’s fault” can create feelings of guilt and confusion for your kids. Never put any blame on the other parent and make a bad situation out of it. It is not okay to say that their father or mother was the bad person in your marriage. Instead, focus on assuring them that the decision to divorce was a complex one and not their fault, maintaining a sense of respect for your former spouse. Nurture your relationship with your children and always be conscious of what you say. Never give your kids a traumatic experience by being impulsive and help your children understand the gravity of the situation. 

10. Maintain a Healthy Co-Parenting Discussion

Talking about the divorce is necessary, but it’s essential to do so in a way that doesn’t burden your children or your former spouse. Use age-appropriate language and convey that both parents will continue to love and support them. Emphasize that the divorce is a change in the relationship between parents, not in the love for the children or your former spouse. Never make the child feel alienated or the child may become depressed and seek psychotherapy from a specialist. Instead, constantly give them reassurance about how the divorce is not their fault. Among younger children, divorce may lead to a serious cause of sadness already since they are more vulnerable. On top of that if they hear you say things like how things have changed negatively, focusing on the unhappiness, they might start to think that they are losing your love which will lead to a far worse condition of the children feeling as though it was their fault. 

In conclusion, navigating divorce with children involved requires thoughtful communication and emotional intelligence. By refraining from saying certain things, you can protect your children from unnecessary emotional burdens and foster an environment of stability and support for both your children and your former spouse. Always provide unconditional love and emotional support and be protective of your child’s feelings. Make sure your kids know that their relationship with both parents remain intact.  Children are still very emotional and therefore, if you don’t tell your child about the separation and make them understand the situation in a straightforward method, it might affect their future relationships as well since children often carry these things with them emotionally even until they’re grown up if they’re not equipped with the right thought process. 

Key Takeaways:

• Money matters should be discussed between adults, sparing children from financial burdens and maintaining a respectful relationship with your former spouse.
• Allow your children to form their own opinions about new partners without influence from you or your former spouse. Don’t talk about divorce and tell the kids how your ex spouse is the villain. 
• Address parenting style differences directly with your ex-spouse privately, keeping it private and avoiding unnecessary tension for your children.
• Be a source of comfort rather than expressing frustration about an ex-spouse’s inconsistency, fostering a supportive environment for your kids and maintaining a positive relationship with your former spouse.
• Let parental titles evolve naturally; avoid pressuring children to use specific terms, respecting their comfort and acceptance, and acknowledging the role of your former spouse.
• Keep child support and visitation separate to maintain consistency for your children and uphold a healthy co-parenting relationship with your former spouse.
• Treat every celebration with an ex-spouse as a significant and real event for your children, promoting a positive environment and respect for your former spouse.
• Rise above personal differences to attend your child’s events together, sending a message of unity and support for both your child and your former spouse.
• Avoid placing blame for the divorce, emphasizing that it’s a complex decision unrelated to the children and maintaining respect for your former spouse.
• Maintain healthy co-parenting discussions using age-appropriate language, assuring continued love and support for your children and promoting a positive relationship with your former spouse.