Living with your Ex during COVID

Living with your Ex

Divorcing parents had a lot to deal with in 2020. Maybe they were just starting to come to terms with the concept of divorce, or maybe they were deep in the process. Then March 2020 came along, and many of those plans went out the window when mandatory quarantines were imposed. Millions of people lost their jobs. Millions of plans were upended. And now you may find yourself living with your Ex.

For many parents, this meant postponing physical separation. At first, in many states people literally weren’t allowed to leave their homes. But as restrictions started to lift, many families found themselves destabilized by the pandemic and one parent moving out just wasn’t possible anymore. This may sound familiar. For example, one or both parents lost their job, and now the family relies on much less income to survive. Maybe one parent was planning to move in with a family member temporarily, but now that family member is part of the high-risk population. Or maybe the child’s new homeschooling or daycare needs require one or both parents to stay home. Whatever the reason, the reality remains: two parents who no longer wish to live together still have to raise one or more children under the same roof.

While it may seem devastating at first, it doesn’t have to be. In fact, it could be great to build the foundation for a solid co-parenting relationship. Whether you and your partner are amicable (best case scenario) or contentious, it’s important for parents to remember that divorce is a jarring experience for a child, and a huge life change. Even though you and your spouse are no longer romantically involved, there are upsides to having this time to lay the groundwork for your children, who will eventually live in two different homes. Here are a few ways to make the most of living with your Ex.

Claim your physical space in the home.

If possible, you and your spouse should discuss defining your personal space. Square footage limitations can of course make this difficult, but to the extent possible, try having separate rooms to begin the process of emotional separation. This is especially the case if spouses don’t get along. The more you decrease interactions, the less opportunity for interactions to become contentious. Even for amicable parents, taking space for yourself and your belongings can do wonders to start the process of rebuilding.

Define responsibilities.

Just as if you and your spouse were co-parenting in two separate homes, you should discuss how you’re going to share parenting responsibilities. Are you going to share the week, where Mom is responsible for all child-rearing tasks from morning until night on certain days, or does one parent’s work schedule dictate when each parent will spend time with the child or children? If possible, start to adapt to a schedule so the family knows what to expect.

Set weekly check-in meetings.

Parents can have the best of intentions, but schedules and needs change. Nothing will help a co-parenting relationship deteriorate faster than lack of communication or flexibility- so check in frequently and often. You do not want resentment or frustration to build when you’re sharing a roof with your ex. If you weren’t great communicators before separation, examine how or why that came to be, and seek professional help to facilitate discussions. If you can set a date and time every week to review the prior week’s events, it will help you nip problems quickly and give each other space to reflect on your needs and the family’s needs.

Take care of yourself.

Keeping COVID restrictions and guidelines in mind, take this opportunity while living with your Ex to get back into your hobbies, exercise routines, reach out to old friends, and start rebuilding your identity away from the home. Once you and your spouse are in a position to physically separate for the long-term, you will eventually have more free time for yourself. So why not start now? In order to be physically and mentally “there” for your children, it’s best to take care of yourself while you have the space.

Hopefully, this transitional period can be a great time to set expectations, healthy habits, and the foundation for an amicable co-parenting relationship. The children can get used to the concept of having two family units, while still maintaining stability for them at the outset. Take the time to research your options for how to support the family once physically apart. If you think child or spousal support is going to be a factor in your divorce, check out the SupportPay platform, which helps co-parents everywhere foster healthy communication habits. For more information on how SupportPay can assist, check out their resource blog posts on all things support.

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