How to Co-Parent Successfully After Divorce
Co-parenting refers to how parents work together to raise a child. To say the least, co-parenting is not always easy. Even when you get on great with your partner, there are times when you disagree about how to raise your kids. When you get a divorce, and you are not getting on well, co-parenting may seem impossible. We explain all you need to know about co-parenting.
How Much Do We Know About Co-Parenting?
Research in co-parenting is quite new. It has only really been done for the last 20 years. Mainly because until then, mothers were the ones taking care of the children (1) and because there were not that many divorced couples (2).
At the beginning, co-parenting was studied only in the context of divorced families. More recently it is also being examined in the case of classic nuclear families, single parents, and same-sex parents.
It is important to note that co-parenting is totally different from the romantic relationship that parents may have or not have. Parents will still need to co-parent even if they are no longer together.
Why Is Co-Parenting Important for Children?
Co-parenting matters more for children’s development than the quality of the parents’ romantic relationship (3).
General research finds that:
Children whose parents are good at co-parenting regulate their emotions better, have fewer mental health issues, and more successful social relations (4).
Parents who co-parent successfully, tend to have a better relationship with their children.
When parents co-parent successfully, the whole family well-being (5) tends to be better.
Co-Parenting Also Matters for Parents
Parents who manage to co-parent effectively tend to:
Feel more confident (6) when raising their children.
Feel less stress (7).
Feel happier (8) in their marriage (for those that are married).
Co-Parenting During and After a Divorce
Co-parenting is probably the most challenging task for parents after divorce. Parents usually co-parent in one of four ways:
- Cooperative co-parenting (25% of parents after divorce): Parents are flexible coordinating living arrangements. They support one another, share information about the children, and respect each other as parents. They remain loyal, trust each other to take care of the children, and appreciate and respect the other’s parenting efforts and contributions (9). This is the gold standard of co-parenting. Children raised by parents that co-parent cooperatively tend to cope with divorce better.
- Parallel co-parenting (40% of parents after divorce): They try to have as little contact as possible. As a result, they do not get often into conflict. They parent independently. Interestingly, children of parents who co-parent in this style (10), tend to do as well as children of cooperative co-parents. This shows that what is negative for children is to live with parents who get on really badly.
- Mixed co-parenting (10-20% of parents after divorce): They can be very supportive of each other at times and have a very bad relationship other times.
- Conflicted co-parenting (10-15% of parents after divorce): They are angry, do not communicate with each other well, and they have problems reaching agreements. Their children are caught in the middle (11) and are more likely not to cope well.
How Can You Be a Collaborative Co-Parent After Divorce?
- Set up a clear parenting plan
- If you are finding it tough, treat it like a business: use email to communicate, keep things simple, set clear boundaries, and function under a need-to-know basis.
- Make an effort to regulate your emotional responses.
- Choose your battles (12).
- Do not put your child in the middle: never use them as messengers and keep your issues to yourself.
- Consider using services like family therapy, parent training, and mediation. At REC Parenting we have a comprehensive set of resources and professionals that will help you navigate divorce and will help you to co-parent effectively.
Finances can be a sticky issue when co-parenting: SupportPay can help…
One of the most challenging aspects of co-parenting is managing finances—particularly when both parents have different ideas about how to share responsibilities. Traditional financial wellness programs often overlook the complexities of modern family dynamics, leaving many parents feeling overwhelmed and financially stressed.
This is where SupportPay comes in. In partnership with REC Parenting, SupportPay provides a tailored solution designed specifically for co-parents to track and manage shared expenses. It helps parents stay organized by offering clear visibility of all financial obligations related to their children, from medical bills to school fees and extracurricular activities. With SupportPay, co-parents can create payment schedules, set up automated reminders, and communicate seamlessly about their finances—without the emotional stress of negotiation or confusion.
By simplifying the financial side of co-parenting, SupportPay helps alleviate the tension that can arise from disagreements over money, leaving parents with more time and energy to focus on raising their children. It’s one less thing to worry about when you’re already juggling so many other responsibilities.
Finally…
Co-parenting when we are totally in love with our partner is not easy. Co-parenting when you are no longer with your partner can seem like an impossible challenge. Whatever is happening in your relationship with your co-parent, keep in mind that your child should always come first.
References
Campbell, C. G. (2022). Two Decades of Co-Parenting Research: A Scoping Review. Marriage & Family Review, 59(6), 379–411. https://doi.org/10.1080/01494929.2022.2152520
Belsky, J., Crnic, K., & Gable, S. (1995). The determinants of co-parenting in families with toddler boys: Spousal differences and daily hassles. Child development, 66(3), 629-642.
Van Egeren, L. A., & Hawkins, D. P. (2004). Coming to terms with co-parenting: Implications of definition and measurement. Journal of adult development, 11, 165-178. https://doi.org/10.1023/B:JADE.0000035625.74672.0b
May, C., Atherton, C., Colyvas, K., Mancini, V., & Campbell, L. E. (2023). Development of a Brief Co-Parenting Measure: The Co-Parenting Competence Scale. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(13), 6322. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20136322
Teubert, D., & Pinquart, M. (2010). The association between co-parenting and child adjustment: A meta-analysis. Parenting: Science and practice, 10(4), 286-307. https://doi.org/10.1080/15295192.2010.492040
Merrifield, K. A., & Gamble, W. C. (2013). Associations among marital qualities, supportive and undermining co-parenting, and parenting self-efficacy: Testing spillover and stress-buffering processes. Journal of Family Issues, 34(4), 510-533. DOI: 10.1177/0192513X1244556
Schoppe-Sullivan, S. J., Settle, T., Lee, J. K., & Kamp Dush, C. M. (2016). Supportive co-parenting relationships as a haven of psychological safety at the transition to parenthood. Research in human development, 13(1), 32-48. doi:10.1080/15427609.2016.1141281.
Don, B. P., Biehle, S. N., & Mickelson, K. D. (2013). Feeling like part of a team: Perceived parenting agreement among first-time parents. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(8), 1121-1137. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407513483105
Kelly, J. B. (2007). Children’s living arrangements following separation and divorce: Insights from empirical and clinical research. Family process, 46(1), 35-52. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.2006.00190.x
Heatherington, E.M., & Stanley-Hagen, M.M. (1995). Parenting in divorced and remarried families. In M.H. Bornstein (Ed.) Handbook of Parenting (Vol. 3, pp. 233–254). Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Sullivan, M. J. (2008). Co-parenting and the parenting coordination process. Journal of Child Custody, 5(1-2), 4-24. https://doi.org/10.1080/15379410802070351
Jamison, T. B., Coleman, M., Ganong, L. H., & Feistman, R. E. (2014). Transitioning to post-divorce family life: A grounded theory investigation of resilience in co-parenting. Family relations, 63(3), 411-423. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12074
